If you had told me a year ago that I would be where I am right now, I would have thought it not possible.
Last night I was stunned
by three little words
uttered to me
by my boyfriend
of a little less than a year.
He told me he loves me.
I was pleased when I heard him, but when I woke up this morning I didn't know how to feel. I was confused. I should be ecstatic, right? But I had this eeriness. Like I was waiting for something bad to happen. Like I dreamed it. Like maybe I pushed him into saying it because I can be an ass sometimes (i know you're shocked).
After all this time, one year since my divorce and over two years since I left my ex-husband I still am not sure I believe that I am allowed to be happy.
Not this happy anyway.
I never, ever thought it could be this way. I never knew a relationship could be this easy and this carefree. I mean when I am with him it is just so simple.
No confusion. No second guessing. No frustration. No arguing. No chaos.
It just feels effortless.
After five years of arguing, trying to one up me, fighting, telling me I was doing everything wrong and fighting for this life I thought I wanted, it is shocking to see such a complete reverse life.
The thought that this could be my life every day for the rest of my life is, well, it kind of leaves me speechless.
I mean, I want to marry this man. I do. I know that.
I see a future with him that if nothing ever changed from here on out - moving in together, marriage, kids, etc - I know I would be content. But the thought that I could settle down with this man and actually create a real life together is beyond anything I thought possible.
And for a complete hopeless romantic like me, that is amazing.
I feel almost like I don't deserve it. And I know that is the wrong kind of thinking.
I woke up this morning and asked him, "Did you really mean what you said last night?"
And without the slightest waver in his voice, "Yes I did."
There is no doubt in my mind that he does, in fact, feel this way.
This is the first man in my life that I ever said the words I love you to knowing I would not hear those words back. I mean, I wanted to hear them back, but for once I am trying in my life to not expect things; to not presuppose life. I just want it to happen the way it will happen. I will always think of the future and remember my past - I feel this is the only way to really know who you are and where you are going. But I am also trying to LIVE in the here and now. Enjoying each and every moment as if they were my last. And I have realized that this is a truly wonderful way to see the world.
So about a month ago, though honestly I knew months ago, I told him I loved him. Without any qualms if he never said them back to me. I said it because I felt it. I had been feeling it. And I simply wanted him to know how I felt.
No conditions. No strings.
Because I know that even if he up and decided he didn't want to be with me someday, I KNOW that I am so lucky to have had this time with this man who has shown me what a life of love can be like.
I love this man. This man who is so incredibly wonderful to me. He treats me so well. He takes care of me. He considers how I feel. He wants to be with me. His actions speak so much louder than his words, but dear god his words are heard.
And holy shit, he told me he loves me back.
What can I possibly say that might ever top this feeling I have? I am numb and covered in shivers all at the same time.
(oh and I mentioned that his nickname was Raindrop and he expressed how girly that sounded so my mom and I came up with Saint because he is such a Saints fan and he is kind of a saint to me, not to be corny)