I will not die of embarrassment

I have been very busy realizing that I am immensely out of shape. I went hiking with my father (thankfully he went) on two different mountains and really thought I might pass out. I was struggling so badly to breath. At one point I felt my throat tighten up. It scared me into breathing - I think. My body is so doable with pain growing up as a swimmer it is (oddly) a comfortable feeling. But I have never had a problem breathing.

I looked up online and found that learning a 2,2 or 3,2 breathing method when walking or jogging will help. I also found swimming or jogging in water will help as the pressure will build breathing so that out of the water it's easier.

With my trip to Yosemite coming up, I could either kill myself of embarrassment when the other women left me dying of breath on the mountain or I could kill myself trying to get back in shape.

For the past week, I have been working out either walking, jogging, running, swimming, bicycling and/or yoga.

I realized that my breathing may not be totally my fault, so I went ahead and went to the doctor who diagnosed me as having sports induced asthma and gave me an albuterol inhaler. I use it before I go workout and/or as needed. Both my doctor and my pharmacist said it will make me jittery right after I take the inhaler. I kept thinking, "do these people know me? I am already a bit of an energizer bunny."

With my inhaler I have had much more success working out. I will admit (out loud) that my body is in pain. Especially my hamstrings. They are so tight it actually takes me a minute to get out of a chair. My shoulders are in agony over the amount of planks my yoga instructor likes to do.

One day I was so excited. Not only was I going swimming, but I was going to bike to the gym. WOHOO! Course the bike is downhill to the gym, and yes, uphill home. I packed all my stuff, took six pedals and realized my tires were flat. ARG! I rolled the bike back in the garage and drove. As I was getting in the pool my goggles strap broke. And broke again, a million little times in pieces as I tried to tie it back together just to manage my time in the pool. In the end, I tossed the goggles and swam without. No big deal, but my eyes were a bit sore after. Join the rest of my body.

The other day, I swam for a half hour then joined a new class at the gym - Hoola Hoop Yoga! Taught by my crazy ass yoga instructor. She is so awesome. I really love her. She is the epitome of I love to hate her! We started by becoming one with the hoola hoop (and trying not to giggle out loud). Then we learned how to move with the hoola hoop. Thankfully I am pretty good at the whole hoola hooping thing. (once won a contest at a bar) Then we learned some moves with the hoola hoop - around the world, over the head, back and forth. Then we danced while hoola hooping. Every time we dropped our hoop we had to jump and make a WOOP! sound so we could learn not to take the hoop seriously. I loved every minute of it and I was sweating by the end. Then I pulled out my yoga mat and did full on tough yoga. So proud of myself. It was a full two and a half hours of working out.

I have noticed a change. Sadly not around my middle (yet), but my mind is very clear during the day and I sleep like a rock at night. I also find myself wanting to figure out new ways to workout.

I have been doing my best to eat healthy too. I stuck to salads, sandwiches and only 3 meals a day (much smaller than normal). I cut out my daily mocha. I did have one at the end of the week, but it was a tall with half the mocha. I only had a few Hersey kisses for sugar each day to curb the sugar cravings. I enjoyed a vegetable day without any kind of meat.

I have a few more weeks of working toward my goal, but now I am thinking of having a new goal. Swim Alcatraz! Something I will look in to doing next year some time. I wrangled my old swim buddy in to doing it with me as I know he has been looking to shape up as well.

Downward facing dog

Attended my first yoga class at the local gym and of course, loved it!

I have taken yoga at home before (as I have practiced, in my own manner, P90x) and I really enjoy it, but as moving to a new city can bring on the agoraphobia tendencies, I decided to GO OUT to workout. It gives me another excuse to meet people, or maybe just be around people. Not that I don't get enough of people at work, but it is different, I am different, in a relaxed setting.

Who knows, maybe I will meet some friends. Or just people I can talk to for the five minutes before and after class. That would be okay too.

I got there - a tiny bit late because I left my gym pass at home. Yes, we all roll our eyes. Hey people, it was in my hands when I left, but I had to go back and found it lying on the garage floor. I dropped it on my way out. Easy mistake.

I kicked off my shoes and socks and hung my jacket (yes, it is 6 degrees outside, I had a jacket on) and then quickly threw a mat on the floor and tried to breath like I had been there for the past five minutes. Surprisingly, it didn't take that long to get comfortable.

I am okay with almost all the basic yoga poses, except for one. TREE. I can completely fake the balance thing throughout all of yoga, but for the damn tree pose. For those not familiar with tree, stand with feet shoulder width apart, place one foot on the ankle of the other and then raise my arms out to my side and up at a 45 degree angle. Basically stand on one foot and then put my hands up. The really good yoga peeps can put their foot all the way up into their crotch.

I've tried it all - close my eyes; focus on a non-moving object; stare at myself in the mirror. I can't seem to do it for more than a second. Though tonight I figured out I last longer if I start on my left foot. Apparently, I am strong with that side and then I can manage the other side okay. It is really hard to be the one to trip others up too. The class is so peaceful, then to see someone (me) go wobbly (in the mirror) and then fall usually results in a few others, then more til the entire class has lost its balance. Hey, welcome not only the late comer, but the one with no balance. Teehee

I like that this class looks like many people around my age - above and below. I liked that this class has women of all sizes and shapes. I feel like I fit in well. They all seemed smiley, talkative and nice.

I have noticed, not so subtly that my body has changed quite a bit since I moved here. It could be that I turned 32 this year. It could be that I am eating what I want, when I want, with very few restrictions or stopping of myself. It could be that I haven't worked out in oh, geez I don't know how long. It could be that we sell Godiva chocolates at work and I have realized how easy it is to go and buy a bar. It could be that I have developed a small routine of oatmeal at home and then a coffee and scone for a mid morning snack. It could be that I have holed up a bit since I moved to a city where I don't know anyone and feel a little home sick.

I am trying to do better. I am trying to cut down on the sweets. I am trying to work fruit and veggies in my diet. I am trying to get out a little each week and walk or be around people. I am trying to do some meditative breathing. I am trying to work in positive thinking or positive visualization time.

But oh, it is so hard.

So, I joined this gym and this class.

And you know what?

It's a good feeling.

I left in tune with not only my body and my breathing, but with the city, the class and wow, is there more?

Then promptly froze my a** off while running (yes, running or more like sprinting) to my car in the 6 degree weather and wind that felt like it would tear the flesh right off my skin.

Please someone drag my lifeless body from the evil-liptical machine

Since I started working at my current retail job, I have gained enough weight to move up two dress sizes. Which for me, it is a bit much. Shut up to all the people who say, "OMG you're not fat! I would kill to have your figure." Well, you know what? It is all relative. I may look skinny. I may wear a size 0/2, but the fact is I too can feel and look fat without much avail. So shut it! Let me be. Just because I am not a size 12 doesn't mean I am not overweight. It is about a person's figure and what weight is good for them.

I have always been the same size give or take 5 lbs. I have been lucky, swimming for a decade in jr. high, high school and college blessed me with a serious metabolism that has lasted me another decade. Sadly, it has finally caught up with me. Granted, the fact that I quit smoking this year (holy cow, yeah me!!) and haven't worked out in about four years may affect that a bit. But I try not to focus on any of that.

I told myself when I "felt" fat I would do something about it. Now is the time. I feel it.

Last week I gave in. The belly that has suddenly protruded over my pants is disgusting me. I can't take it anymore. The uncomfortable feeling I have in my pants - that they are just too tight - is horrible. I have actually upgraded a few pairs of work pants just so I can be somewhat comfortable. I like to call them fat pants. I could have even gone up another size just to be really comfortable, but I am hoping to lose enough weight to be able to wear both the skinny pants and fat pants one day soon.

In past years whenever I started working out, I would have instantaneous results. I would get up and be excited and relieved to be working out. I would feel good through the entire workout. I would be energized. I would feel healthy. It would all be goodness.

This past week to put it mildly fucking sucks. I hate working out. My body hates me working out. Every piece of me screams during the entire workout. It isn't like church anymore where though I want to go, I just have to get there and then I am good and enjoy it. No. Every moment before, during and after sucks to high hell. I hate it. My body hates it. There is no joy in working out. Other than the fact that I want this large piece of ugly fat off my belly.

I have reached a new stage. I am officially at that stage in life where things will not just melt away. And I am really pissed.

It has been over a week since I worked out and I am praying it will get easier. I am praying it will get more likable. No matter the music I listen to - which in my life always makes things better - I am still struggling through every workout. And hello, my body fucking hurts.

I may be overdoing it just a bit, but seriously not that much. I am pushing myself because otherwise I would weiney out and not do anything. I am not willing to waste a second of workout time. If I am going to do it, it will be worth it.

Usually I workout every other day. This time I decided to work out four days a week with a day off in the middle and I am sorry, but who works out on the weekends? I got over that the minute I stopped swimming professionally. Not gonna happen.

I do elliptical and stretching most days and I do yoga one day a week. Over the course of the next couple of weeks I will add weights (because it is the reason men lose weight faster than women, because after weights your body continues to workout vs just cardio) p90x abs ripper and other various p90x workouts. I don't do them as instructed, in order or with the book. I use p90x to feel a good workout. I don't worry about doing it the entire hour that is required. I do it until I have a good sweat and feel a good hard workout. Then I am done. I stretch to cool down.

Being an athlete I know my bodies limits and how hard I have to workout to get results. Or at least I used to. This may have changed too.

As far as food, I don't mess with it too much because when I crave something I won't let it go til I give in. The two things I have changed this time around is, I am eating grapefruit - half each day and I am adding Fiber One bars to my snacks. I like the chocolate better than the peanut butter, though I have not tried the other flavors. I am also eating as much fruit and vegetables I can muster. I have found that the more I eat healthy the less hungry I am. Though I do wake up each day with a hunger relative to that of a starving lion. I am trying to eat three meals a day and a snack in between. I allow myself a small dessert each night or a cookie during the day. I get low blood sugar if I don't have something sweet.

I also drink water like a camel all day long. I have a water bottle at work and in my car. My goal is to fill it up three times a day.

As far as portions go, I half what I normally would eat. I fix my plate as I normally would and then I take half and pour it into a plastic container. If it is on the plate, I know it is fair game. When I am at a restaurant I not only push my plate away, I move it out of reach to the end of the table. With sandwiches I eat the whole sandwich and skip the chips or allow myself a handful for the taste. If I am hungry later, I eat a snack - yogurt, watermelon, cheese stick, etc. I try to eat heavier earlier in day or lighter in the evening and I try not to stay up late because I snack then. Having a routine is a huge plus when working out.

I wish Saint would start working out again (but it is his choice and I try not to hold it over him) because it is highly beneficial to have a partner and I love to workout with men. Thankfully my mom is still working out. So we occasionally text each other on when and how we worked out. I feel less alone in it all and when things suck, it is very good to have a friend.

Have you ever done it, worked out with a guy? I highly recommend it. It pushes me to work harder and they are so helpful in weights. They can tell me the correct body form, push the weights. I know some women don't like to workout in front of men, but the fact is, it helps. I know I don't look great, but I try to remember how I feel when watching men workout. It is sexy to me. So I tell myself that they think that about seeing me. But mostly I do it because when I swam I was always swimming in the lane with the guys and I got used to their mentality - they get in, workout hard and get out. They don't mess around and they don't worry about what other people think of them. They keep it simple. I think this is a good mentality for working out.

For week one, I am a bit disappointed that it hurt so much so consistently, but I am focusing so much on the fact that I actually got up and started it. Sometimes that is all I need to help what I know will be a big difficult task ---- simply, to begin.