Please someone drag my lifeless body from the evil-liptical machine

Since I started working at my current retail job, I have gained enough weight to move up two dress sizes. Which for me, it is a bit much. Shut up to all the people who say, "OMG you're not fat! I would kill to have your figure." Well, you know what? It is all relative. I may look skinny. I may wear a size 0/2, but the fact is I too can feel and look fat without much avail. So shut it! Let me be. Just because I am not a size 12 doesn't mean I am not overweight. It is about a person's figure and what weight is good for them.

I have always been the same size give or take 5 lbs. I have been lucky, swimming for a decade in jr. high, high school and college blessed me with a serious metabolism that has lasted me another decade. Sadly, it has finally caught up with me. Granted, the fact that I quit smoking this year (holy cow, yeah me!!) and haven't worked out in about four years may affect that a bit. But I try not to focus on any of that.

I told myself when I "felt" fat I would do something about it. Now is the time. I feel it.

Last week I gave in. The belly that has suddenly protruded over my pants is disgusting me. I can't take it anymore. The uncomfortable feeling I have in my pants - that they are just too tight - is horrible. I have actually upgraded a few pairs of work pants just so I can be somewhat comfortable. I like to call them fat pants. I could have even gone up another size just to be really comfortable, but I am hoping to lose enough weight to be able to wear both the skinny pants and fat pants one day soon.

In past years whenever I started working out, I would have instantaneous results. I would get up and be excited and relieved to be working out. I would feel good through the entire workout. I would be energized. I would feel healthy. It would all be goodness.

This past week to put it mildly fucking sucks. I hate working out. My body hates me working out. Every piece of me screams during the entire workout. It isn't like church anymore where though I want to go, I just have to get there and then I am good and enjoy it. No. Every moment before, during and after sucks to high hell. I hate it. My body hates it. There is no joy in working out. Other than the fact that I want this large piece of ugly fat off my belly.

I have reached a new stage. I am officially at that stage in life where things will not just melt away. And I am really pissed.

It has been over a week since I worked out and I am praying it will get easier. I am praying it will get more likable. No matter the music I listen to - which in my life always makes things better - I am still struggling through every workout. And hello, my body fucking hurts.

I may be overdoing it just a bit, but seriously not that much. I am pushing myself because otherwise I would weiney out and not do anything. I am not willing to waste a second of workout time. If I am going to do it, it will be worth it.

Usually I workout every other day. This time I decided to work out four days a week with a day off in the middle and I am sorry, but who works out on the weekends? I got over that the minute I stopped swimming professionally. Not gonna happen.

I do elliptical and stretching most days and I do yoga one day a week. Over the course of the next couple of weeks I will add weights (because it is the reason men lose weight faster than women, because after weights your body continues to workout vs just cardio) p90x abs ripper and other various p90x workouts. I don't do them as instructed, in order or with the book. I use p90x to feel a good workout. I don't worry about doing it the entire hour that is required. I do it until I have a good sweat and feel a good hard workout. Then I am done. I stretch to cool down.

Being an athlete I know my bodies limits and how hard I have to workout to get results. Or at least I used to. This may have changed too.

As far as food, I don't mess with it too much because when I crave something I won't let it go til I give in. The two things I have changed this time around is, I am eating grapefruit - half each day and I am adding Fiber One bars to my snacks. I like the chocolate better than the peanut butter, though I have not tried the other flavors. I am also eating as much fruit and vegetables I can muster. I have found that the more I eat healthy the less hungry I am. Though I do wake up each day with a hunger relative to that of a starving lion. I am trying to eat three meals a day and a snack in between. I allow myself a small dessert each night or a cookie during the day. I get low blood sugar if I don't have something sweet.

I also drink water like a camel all day long. I have a water bottle at work and in my car. My goal is to fill it up three times a day.

As far as portions go, I half what I normally would eat. I fix my plate as I normally would and then I take half and pour it into a plastic container. If it is on the plate, I know it is fair game. When I am at a restaurant I not only push my plate away, I move it out of reach to the end of the table. With sandwiches I eat the whole sandwich and skip the chips or allow myself a handful for the taste. If I am hungry later, I eat a snack - yogurt, watermelon, cheese stick, etc. I try to eat heavier earlier in day or lighter in the evening and I try not to stay up late because I snack then. Having a routine is a huge plus when working out.

I wish Saint would start working out again (but it is his choice and I try not to hold it over him) because it is highly beneficial to have a partner and I love to workout with men. Thankfully my mom is still working out. So we occasionally text each other on when and how we worked out. I feel less alone in it all and when things suck, it is very good to have a friend.

Have you ever done it, worked out with a guy? I highly recommend it. It pushes me to work harder and they are so helpful in weights. They can tell me the correct body form, push the weights. I know some women don't like to workout in front of men, but the fact is, it helps. I know I don't look great, but I try to remember how I feel when watching men workout. It is sexy to me. So I tell myself that they think that about seeing me. But mostly I do it because when I swam I was always swimming in the lane with the guys and I got used to their mentality - they get in, workout hard and get out. They don't mess around and they don't worry about what other people think of them. They keep it simple. I think this is a good mentality for working out.

For week one, I am a bit disappointed that it hurt so much so consistently, but I am focusing so much on the fact that I actually got up and started it. Sometimes that is all I need to help what I know will be a big difficult task ---- simply, to begin.