I never realized just how much I used my family to fill the voids in my life. Moving away has been such an eye opening experience to all the ways I fill my life because when I am alone and have no one to turn to, the voids are so bright I can't focus.
Yesterday, I was expecting Saint, but he had a change of plans. I didn't realize how much I was looking forward to his visit til he told me he might not come. I was devastated. I thought at first it was just because I miss him so much, but in reality I am lonely.
I have had the past two days off - in a row. In retail, this is hard to come by and a very wonderful thing. My weeks are so much shorter. My days at work are so much more pleasant to get through when I know I have a weekend to look forward to - even if it is in the middle of the week. Doesn't matter. Two days off is spectacular.
The first day I usually spend puttering around the house, being quiet, catching up on Hulu shows, renting movies that I didn't get out to see, reading my current book, cuddling with the kitties and hopefully doing miscellaneous chores that went undone during the past week. I usually end the day with a fabulous yoga class. An entire hour at the new gym breathing, stretching and pushing my muscles surrounded by strangers that are friendly and lift my spirits.
The second day my mind is dying to get out. I usually run any errands on this day. I make sure to find time to visit my favorite coffee shop to splurge on a huge mug of coffee mixed with hot cocoa (their specialty) and read my book for hours. It allows me to be surrounded by people and not have to talk to anyone (as I talk to people all day long at work). This is the day I like to meet up with friends and have dinner or meet for lunch. It gives me a reprieve from myself and allows me to talk to people who I don't have to, but want to talk to.
The hard part is being in a city where I don't know anyone, well, I don't know anyone. My friends are those I work with and realistically I shouldn't be mixing with them outside of work because I am a manager. Thankfully I have a really great co-manager that we do things with. Yes, she drives me nuts sometimes, but seriously all people are annoying at times (even me). She has been sick this week - Strep throat. Ew, so I don't have that outlet of humor, girl talk and random passing of useless information that I so enjoy with her.
I don't mind being by myself. I enjoy going out and having dinner at a nice place (or a shack) and reading my book or just listening to all the sounds around me. I like going to the movies with only myself as company. I like my company. It's not that I can't be alone. It's the loneliness.
I called my parent's at least three this week to hear their voice. I let them talk for as long as they want when usually I am short and wanting to only get the basics out and then get off the phone. (I AM SO NOT A PHONE PERSON) I call my niece and listen to her breath because she is 14 years old and too busy for me on facebook and texting. I call Saint and listen to him yawn - because he is always tired from working too hard.
I know my bf feels guilty for not coming up because he keeps texting me I love you, but the fact is, I get it. It is so hard to work really hard all week and then spend your free time driving to and from another city and not at home. It makes the free time so much shorter.
I went out and bought a fresh loaf of bread from the local bakery here, which I have been dying to visit and was waiting for Saint to go, but decided I would go by myself. I walked in and it smelled heavenly. I spent some time reading their detailed board of what was available. I talked to the local baker, though not a talking fellow, but nice. I bought a loaf of cinnamon raisin bread thinking it would be a nice addition for a snack or breakfast. As I was leaving I realized I had bought a WHOLE loaf of bread that probably wouldn't survive the week. I was sure I wouldn't be able to eat it all myself. And as I climbed into my car I felt my shoulders drop and my breath sag because I wouldn't have anyone to share it with.
Yet, my life is good. I am loved.
I may be lonely, but I am not alone. And I know the difference.
It's just there are days I feel so isolated. I feel like not having friends to lean on, to talk to, to go to coffee with, to spend time with - is the hardest part of this. I can't rely solely on Saint for my companionship either. Even if he lived here, I would want to get out and meet people, but after not being in school for so long, I find this difficult.