Families are Messy

Driving home from my first official sewing class, I was contemplating that morning, struggling to get through yoga class while trying to keep my cookies down and not pass out. For some odd reason, I couldn’t seem to focus or stay on my feet during this particular class. As I was working my way through the sun salutations, I flashed back to the previous evening where almost instantaneously after eating dinner and working on a half full glass of wine, I felt sick. And disoriented. Twice in a couple of days. Add to that the appearance of acid reflux, which I rarely ever have, feeling off, overly tired and the fact that food has been tasting weird.

As I am pondering all this I realize, I may be pregnant. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, I COULD BE PREGNANT. After that, I couldn’t get home fast enough to take a pregnancy test that I had left over from the last scare.

At home, my niece (who’s sixteen) is fast asleep on the couch and my fiancé is freshly showered and lounging on the bed. He looks up as I race in to the master bathroom and rip open the cupboards, furiously intent on finding that stupid box. Unfortunately, after much rumbling around, I still cannot locate it. I sit back on my heels and notice my fiancé eyeballing me. He raises a questioning  eyebrow and I spill the beans. His immediate response, “I know you are not pregnant, but I will go get you a test if you want.”

“Really? You would do that?” I am relieved and shocked. I forget so often how stinking sweet and kind he is ... he is very tall and often wears this somewhat menacing look that screams, “Don’t mess with me!” I am also very used to just taking care of myself. Relying on men, other than my father, is not something I'm used to.

The entire time we are driving to the store, I keep thinking about how we are getting married in about ten months. How having a baby right now is so not what I want. I want to have a beautiful wedding with my family and friends, dancing and profusely professing our love for each other. I am also in between jobs which equates to no health insurance.

I look at my fiancé and say all of this out loud. He responds, “Well, then we will go get married and, voila, you’ll have insurance.”

He is always so calm, so reassuring. It can be annoying!

I will be starting a new job soon and being pregnant can’t look good to a future employer. I am hiking Alaska in a few months, too, so that would definitely put a kink in the wilderness plans.

Again, I voice my concerns. His reply, is “Well then we will have a baby and then get married.” And all I can think is I don’t want to have a wedding with a kid. I want, for once, to do it right. But then it dawns on me - WHO THE HELL DECIDED WHAT IS RIGHT?!

I mean, why is it considered normal for a couple to date, get engaged, marry, buy a house and then have kids? Very few people I know have actually gone the "normal" route. Families are divorced, single, have adopted kids, rented studios, are living on a boat, farming the land, babies sleeping in drawers. Why is this standard of normal even in my head?

There are few days that go by that I don't wonder why I am so lucky to have this man in my life. Today it was Nigella Lawson and the incident with her husband grabbing her neck. Never would my guy ever raise a hand to me in any situation. Never.

It has taken me ages to meet the man who I will spend the rest of my life with and I couldn’t have found a better guy. Really. He is the man who I can, for the first time ever, favorably compare to my father. They are good to each other too. They go golfing, talk about  business, grill steaks while drinking a beer and smoking cigars. My guy brings my mother flowers and texts her with questions about what I would like for gifts. He takes my niece to scary movies, plays X-box with her and spoils the crap out of her. This is the first time in my life I have met someone (other than my parents) where I can lean back, trust and be truly free. I am able to experience life, explore who I am, and have someone special to share it with.

So why am I worried about being pregnant?

There is no good time to have a kid. Really, at what age is the best? If you are younger, you can grow up with your kids. If you are older, you are wiser (maybe), more adaptable and have lived a little. I am so grateful to have the love of a man who I can comfortably raise a child with at any time.

Families are Messy

Driving home from my first official sewing class, I was contemplating my morning where I was struggling to get through yoga class while trying to keep my cookies down and not pass out. For some odd reason, this particular class I couldn’t seem to focus or stay on my feet. As I was working my way through the sun salutations, I then flashed back to the previous evening where almost instantaneously after eating dinner and working on a half full glass of wine, I felt sick. And disoriented. Twice in a couple days. Add to that, the miscellaneous times I have felt acid reflux, which I rarely ever have. I have also been feeling off, overly tired and food has been tasting weird. As I am drinking water and contemplating all this I realize, I may be pregnant. HOLY MOTHER OF ALL, I COULD BE PREGNANT. After that realization, it really was a long yoga class. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough to go home and drag the test from last time’s false notice to try again.

I got home, my niece who’s sixteen is fast asleep on the couch and my fiance is freshly showered and lounging on the bed. He looks up as I race in to the master bathroom and rip open the cupboards, furiously intent on finding that stupid box. Unfortunately after much rumbling around, I still cannot seem to locate the damn box. I sit back on my heels and see my fiance eyeballing me. He raises an eyebrow. I spill the beans. His immediate response, “I know you are not pregnant, but I will go get you a test if you want.”

“Really? You would do that?” I am relieved and shocked. I forget so often how stinking sweet and kind he is, as he is very large and has this look that screams “don’t mess with me!” I am also very used to just taking care of myself. Relying on men, other than my father, has not ever been the case.

The entire time we are driving to the store, I keep thinking about how we are getting married in about ten months. How having a baby right now is so not what I want. I want to have a beautiful wedding with my family and friends, dancing and profusely professing our love for each other. I am also in-between jobs and therefore, have no insurance to speak of. I look to Owen and speak this out loud. He says, “Well, then we will go get married, have the paper and viola, you’ll have insurance.” He is always so calm. He is always so reassuring. It can be annoying. But it’s rare. I will be starting my new job in a few months, so being pregnant can’t look good for a future employment. I am hiking Alaska in a few months too, so that is definitely going to put a small kink in the hike.

Again, I voice my concerns. His reply, is “Well then we will have a baby and then get married.” And all I can think is I don’t want to be having a wedding with a kid. I want, for once, to do it right. But then it dawns on me - WHO THE HELL DECIDED WHAT IS RIGHT?!

I mean, why is it become normal for a couple to date, get engaged, marry, buy a house and then have kids? Very few people I know have had this. Families are divorced, single, adopted kids, rented studios, living on a boat, farming the land, babies sleeping in drawers. Why is this standard of normal even in my head? I, myself, am divorced. And happily.

There are few days that go by that a reason doesn’t come to me why I am so lucky to have the man I am going to marry in my life. Today, it was Nigella Lawson and her incident with her husband grabbing her neck. Never, would my guy ever raise a hand to me in any emotion or situation. Never.

It has taken me ages to meet the man who I will spend the rest of my life with and I couldn’t have gotten a better guy. Really. He is the man who I could, for the first time ever, compare to my father. But I have no need. They are so good to each other too. They go golfing, talk about  business, grill steaks while drinking a beer and smoking cigars. He brings my mother flowers and texts her with questions about what I would like. He takes my niece to scary movies, plays X-box with her and spoils the crap out of her. This is the first time in my life I have met someone (other than my parents) where I can lean back and be truly free. I am able to experience life and at the same time find out who I am - with someone else to share it with.

So why am I worried about being pregnant?

There is no good time to have a kid. Really, at what age is the best? If you are younger, you can grow up with your kids. If you are older, you are wiser, (maybe) more adaptable and have lived a little. At least I have a man who I can comfortably raise a child at any time we happen to have a kid.