HELOOOOO Christmas Eve

Reverb10 - Everything's Ok - What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

Woke up feeling a little like a kid on Christmas. Excitement is building.

Need to still make No Bake Cheesecake. Gotta go to the grocery store for milk and eggs. One more work shift. I have company coming over tonight. SAINT IS COMING HERE!!

It is absolutely amazing how hard it is to be away from him. And yet, it makes me realize just how good we will be together - or apart. I know that we can live together. I know that we can live apart. Not that I want to live apart, but sometimes life just gives you curve balls. My father is a sales guy and in the past has been gone most weekdays. I never wanted that in my life, but I realize that when you have that person; that guy that completes you and makes you better, it's okay. It's not great, but it is definitely okay. I hate to use these words, but it does all come back to being a WILLING and ABLE participant in the relationship.

When I am sad, he is able to help ease the pain. When I am gone, so far gone missing him, past reasonable, he knows to let me be. Let me work through the pain. I get the occasional text that says, "Hey I love you!" (go ahead, it's okay say Ahhhhh) He fills me in on how things are going with him. We get out our frustrations. Hell, he communicated more with my mother than I do. He took my 14 year old niece to look at Christmas lights and drink hot cocoa.

He just gets me and allows me to be me. He knows how important my family is to me and he enjoys being with them too.

Course I honestly know it has nothing to do with him. It is all me.

I made the choice awhile back to be who I am with him. It was easier than trying to woo him and then bam! here I am. I did that already and it doesn't work. I wanted to be able to ask for what I need and see how he handles it. I wanted to be able to be frustrated and unreasonable and helpless and see where he landed. And surprisingly, he passed every time. It may take him 10 minutes to process, but he gets it.

I also chose to let him be him. If he is annoying occasionally. Oh well, so am I. (and so on) But I also paid attention to the warning signals. We did have a pretty good argument a long time ago and I told him that what happened was a deal breaker. We talked it through and I realized something, I could set boundaries and he would do his damnest not to cross them. Wow, amazing to date someone who respects me and I respect myself enough to tell him.

So in essence, I never really knew WHEN it happened, but I do know HOW it happened. I chose to just be me and let the chips fall where they may. I have made mistakes in the past trying too hard to be perfect. No more. Saint gave me a quote frame that says, "Just be me. I can't screw it up."

The life lesson here, be me. Just be whoever it is I am.

It's like grooming my hair. If it wants to be crazy one day, let it be. Don't try to tame it because the minute I let my guard down it will pop up like Mary.

Reverb10 - New Name

Reverb10 - New name. Let's meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?

First thing that came to mind was a foreign name so that people wouldn't know I spoke English.

Sadly, I am a bit tired. Ok very tired. Overworked and I miss Saint and my family like crazy. I lost it two days ago when my landlady called and berrated me. I can't stand her. She makes me crazy. The tone in her voice is enough to turn this nice person (me) into a finger crunching, trying to find a hit man and takes all the good energy out of me.

Two more days of work and I will be off for two days. With Saint. And apparently, with my family, as Saint as worked out that we will be going to town for the day after Christmas. Which is good, yet, I was a bit looking forward to doing nothing, in my PJs with my man. A little cooking. A few movies. A bit of munching. Maybe a walk. Now I feel as if I will be running. But then again, I do get to see my family and I have missed them greatly. So, I am sure it will all be fine.

I can tell you one thing though, this kitty will NOT be getting up at 5am on Christmas morning. No matter how much Saint wants to open his present. (the man is a very early riser, as he works at 3am)

In high school spanish class, I always wanted to be Izabella because only the very pretty, very popular girls got that name. I always ended up choosing Lolita or Veronica. Sigh. I always wanted a really foreign, blessedly cool spanish name.

Honestly though, I love my name. I wouldn't ask for another. I know that sounds odd, but I don't think my mom could have picked a better name for me. Heidi just fits me, in all senses of the word and I gotta say I haven't met very many Heidi's. I like not having a name that is everywhere. But, I feel, it is memorable too. It's easy to say - well unless you are spanish and the H is silent (this is very funny, now that I think about it - you can't say my name in Spanish). It's easy to spell, except apparently no one else has read the book, seen the movie or the play. So honestly, it is just a good name for me and I like it. Fair enough?

PS: Happy Christmas Eve, eve

PPS: If you happen to be out shopping (haha) and run into someone who is working and not so friendly, give them a smile and say thank you (though you may want to yell at them) because maybe they are like me and have been working for the last eight days straight (and still have two more days left of work) and are a bit tired and a bit cranky. I'm just saying . . .

cookie carnage

Looking at this picture of leftover hershey kisses wrappers, I can't help but wonder what Martha Stewart would be able to craft out of the them.


I think it's crap that in order to bake these peanut butter hershey kisses cookies (AKA: peanut butter blossoms), I have to take the time to individually unwrap each of the damn kisses. Especially without my wingman. It takes twice as long because I have to eat every other one unwrapped. Or maybe I forgot to put it in the bowl instead of my mouth. It's unusual to unwrap and not eat.

I scooped the cookies on to the two separate baking sheets before hand to make sure I had enough room and was ready to swap out the cookies.

Sadly, my first baking sheet cookies were WAY TOO BIG and I will have to keep those and eat them. Heaven forbid someone sees that I messed up the first batch.

Luckily, I was able to half the second batch and make smaller, more acceptable looking cookies.

WHOOPS! I dropped this warm, moist, straight out of the oven cookie upside down on the counter. Had to use my finger to wipe up the melted chocolate and then eat the cookie in order to keep the counter clean.

Here are half of the ooey, gooey, wonderfully warm cookie remains.

Reverb10: TRY: hosting christmas (just little ol' me)

REVERB10: Try: What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it?

BEAR WITH ME HERE, I HAVE A STORY THEN I'LL GET TO THE REVERB10 ANSWER

ACK! Remember this list? About halfway down it says host Thanksgiving. Well, close enough. I am hosting Christmas eve for myself, Saint, my co-assistant manager, her beau and my boss. Plus, Saint will be staying with me through the holiday and I offered up a Christmas Day meal. WHAT?!?!?!?

I am making it easy on myself though. I am making my Crockpot Dish of chicken in spaghetti sauce then poured over pasta with broccoli and bread on the side. Served with wine. For Christmas Eve.

But of course there's a small caveat . . .

I am talking to Saint on the phone and ask, "So what should we have for Christmas Day?" Honestly, thinking something small and easy. Not like sandwiches or anything, but something I don't know, one dish kinda thing.

Saint - Ham
Me - Ham, ok. How big of a ham?
Saint - Half?
Me - Half? How big is half?
Saint - Not so big.
Me - Half. Okay. What else?
Saint - Don't care as long as Stovetop is involved.
Me - Stovetop? (slightly raised voice) I have never made Stovetop before.
Saint - All you do is boil water.
Me - Good. You are in charge of that.
Saint - Ok I'll boil the water. (very sarcastic)
Me - (ignoring the sarcasm) What else?
Saint - Corn
Me - Ok
Saint - Salad
Me - Salad? Really? (he's not much of a veggie guy) What kind of dressing then?
Saint - Italian, Cesear or Ranch. Whatever.
Me - So you want like a premixed salad?
Saint - Yes, no reason to go to trouble of cutting a head of lettuce.
Me - Hmmm, ok salad. What else?
Saint - Potatoes?
Me - Right, potatoes. (in my head, I am freaking out a bit. i'm adding up all the dishes I have to prepare and have ready around the same time. this shit never happens for me. I mean really who decided all dishes have to be ready to eat at the same time. a real meal for just the two of us. first time ever. holy crap. a full meal. just the two of us.)
Saint - What about dessert?
Me - DESSERT? I already have fudge and peanut butter kisses cookies. And we'll probably have leftover dessert from Christmas Eve.
Saint - Oh.
Me - Maybe a pie. Apple? Peach?
Saint - No I don't really like fruit pies. Kind of tart. I prefer chocolate pies.
Me - Okay I'll pick something.

Now, in history this guy is the most laid back, no requests kind of guy. Here all of a sudden, I feel so stressed out and like I have to perform. It wasn't like he was demanding either. It was a very natural conversation. I could have told him no and scrapped it all, but what fun would that be and I have this slightly homemaker feeling going on. Especially knowing it will be our first holiday together, all by ourselves. Seems like it could be romantic and fun - in a not so psychotic way. Right?

But honestly, what is the worst that could happen? I burn down the place? Not really with supervision. And you better believe that man will be supervising or at least in the kitchen (near the kitchen) keeping me company. At least until he drives me nuts and I send him away. Isn't that usually what happens when a man is asked to help or be present?

A whole new opportunity to see how our relationship will develop as I try and do what "normal" people do.

If all else fails, the local diner is open on Christmas Day and they have a killer Farmer Platter. (I actually have pictures, I swear)

So after all that, my answer to the reverb10 exercise today TRY is that I am and have been wanting to try hosting parties and get togethers.

In 2010, I paroosed my Martha Stewart Cooking School book and tried multiple recipes meanwhile I learned my way around a kitchen enough to be able to prepare a basic meal; something that would at least make me happy and my family leave with full bellies. But I want to go a touch further.

I remember my mother and father always hosting parties for such and such company or group of friends. Some that got way out of hand, but were fun regardless. The way my life is going now would be a great time to start building some relationships and connecting with people I'd like to grow with in the future. Step out of my comfort zone and though someone may annoy me or push me, I should give them a chance outside of the norm and invite them over. Invite them into my life and see what happens. I suppose I could always kick them back out. Wow, that was so not in the holiday spirit. Oops.

Reverb 10 - Friendship

Reverb10: Friendship: How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

I have been thinking about this reverb10 all day. To be completely honest, I really didn't know what to write because I haven't really had all that many friends, let alone friends that I do things with all the time. The few friends I do have, we keep in touch and we get together, but we all are busy and don't make as much time for each other as we could. No one to blame, just a fact. Maybe it's because I moved around alot when I was growing up. Maybe I hold people at a distance. Maybe after working in retail for thirteen years, I don't want to talk to people after hours. Or maybe it is just the way life works, people move on, people get busy. When we need each other, I believe we are there for each other. No worries there, but as far as really good close friends who change my life?

Hmmm ... not sure.

Sometime during the day, while stirring my heart out over a pot full of what hopes to be FUDGE, it dawned on me. My closest friend, the one I hold dearest to my heart and do everything with is MY MOTHER. Odd, right? Do other people have this type of relationship with their mothers? I don't know. Quite frankly I know I am lucky to even be able to profess this.

In the past, we haven't been so close. I can be very much like her - demanding, selfish, guilt-pusher. But we are human and working together for eight years forced us to either hate or love each other. Luckily we chose to love each other, but not by any easy means. We both opened up. We both chose to change and mold ourselves into better, more adaptable people.

Here I am, in another city, hours away from my best friend, stirring away like a fiend trying not to burn the damn fudge and I realized - fudge requires a wingman. My wingman has always been my mother. Or rather I am usually her wingman. It made me sad and yet, I am glad that I made the fudge because I felt closer to her. I spent the entire half hour (each flavor, one chocolate and another peanut butter) thinking of her and how much I love her. How many wonderful memories we have together.


Last week I jumped in the car on my day off and drove back into the city to see her (and Saint). After two hours together, she stopped, looked and me and exclaimed, "I don't think I've stopped talking this entire time. I think, I've missed you! I've missed this - being together." Hey mom, I do too!! It's so true. When my father can't find my mother, he calls my phone because usually we are together. We shop together, we grab lunch, we go to the bookstore, we run errands, we go to movies - geez you name it and we have probably done it.

My relationship with my mother made me realize that I can be the daughter, friend and (hopefully one day) a mother WITH her, beside her and we can coexist while still loving each other. Yes, we can both be very unreasonable people, but we have developed this way of being together where it doesn't matter. We both get each other.


No matter how many people come and go in my life. No matter how many friends I find and grow with. No matter where I live; who I live with. My mother and I will ALWAYS be the best of friends and I honestly couldn't ask for a better friend.

Wordless Wednesday - the clique

She is such a clique. I found a kitchen cupboard with nothing in it, yet, turned around the unpack a box and found Izabel all the way in the back of the cupboard. She's quick and very quiet when she wants to be.

Wordless Wednesday

Reverb10 - Appreciate

Reverb 10: What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

The one thing I have come to appreciate the most this past year is (and prepare for it ladies) knowing what true, healthy love really feels like.

I have been in a healthy relationship for a year and a half now and I have never felt so full and happy. To know that when I speak to Saint he will support me, validate me and still love me no matter what is such a huge relief. To know that he appreciates how I love him and sees the true me is amazing. To know that he and I both become better people being together is wonderful and fulfilling. To think that I could have this in my life for the next seventy years is remarkable and would be unbelievable had I not lived it.

If something were to ever happen, the love I have come to know and live with, would comfort me because it is possible to be with someone and not fight continuously, not have to work to defend myself, to know responsibility doesn't just lie on the shoulder of one, but both. And the list goes on. Having come from a bad relationship makes the awareness that much more.

I express gratitude for this love by making sure I respect, never take for granted, put him in my thoughts when making decisions, appreciate and apologize, but most importantly to communicate to him without fear how I REALLY feel and think, to ask for what I need, so that without a doubt we are always on the same page regardless.