I was abducted by aliens and they probed my eyes

On Tuesday, I had a surgery to implant contacts into my eyes called ICL. I wanted to have lasik, but I am not a good candidate because I have thin tissue and that is what they "lasik" to get the eye to reform.

I was freaking out a bit. I think the worst thing I could possibly think of in life is to be blind. Every thing I love to do is with my eyes - books, scrapbooking, photography, swimming, movies, etc. Not to mention I am afraid of the dark. As an adult, I have been able to get my fears under control, but at times I do still sleep with the light on and have that feeling when I turn off the hall light to "run like the devil is at my heels."

I kept telling myself that it is good. Nothing will go wrong. No worries. I love my doctor. I think he will do a top notch job.

Regardless, a very small piece of me is scared sh*tless. Without my glasses or contacts, I am considered legally blind xs3. Yes, that is correct TIMES 3! Which means I cannot see a thing. Thankfully, I have had good parents who always made sure I had nice looking glasses that had been expensively filed down and rounded to look thinner. As an adult, I have tried to remember what it was like as a child and make glasses and contacts something I know are important.

I have decided to make a list of all the reasons I hate wearing glasses and contacts.

• people who do not wear glasses or contacts do not understand - imagine wearing your sunglasses all the time only you have to wear them, it's not optional, and they decide what you see and what you don't see. They cost minimum $200 each time, every year and contacts are $20-$60 every month, every year for the rest of your life.
  
• they scratch
• they smudge
• they tear
• they crease
• they get dots (which on a contact on your eye is like having Saturn in front of you)
  
• they get fingerprints on them
• there is a reflection of blinding light regardless of whether or not I spent an additional $100 on reflective coating (but it's way worse if I don't get it - like not tinting your car and living on the face of the sun)
  
• can't wear sunglasses and glasses at the same time
• wearing prescription sunglasses, getting in to the store and then remember that your glasses are in the car
  
• can't dye my hair, pluck my eyebrows, put make-up on or do anything with my face WHEN my glasses on
• can't see in the shower without contacts - this means no shaving
  
• if the wind blows my contacts get dirt in them and my eyes sting for hours
• i wake up and have to put my eyes on or in
• can't lay down and have glasses on (they move)
• when I smile my glasses move a bit
• if I tilt my head I can't see bc there are sides to the glasses
• doing any kind of physical activity with glasses on makes it hard bc the glasses slide all over
• I get smudges on my glasses when kissing
• when I go on a plane I have to take my contacts and glasses carry-on with me
• if I get close to a dog/puppy they inevitably lick the glasses
• they are expensive
• if I go from hot to cold weather, my glasses fog
• when I steam clothes at work, my glasses fog occasionally
• going to a water park with glasses or contacts is a nightmare
• going anywhere with dust, dirt or grime is a nightmare
• people automatically assume I am a nerd or uncool
  
• taking out my contacts and realizing I have no idea where my glasses are
• wearing a hat or headband with glasses is not going to happen and if so, it's uncomfortable
• get headaches from the glasses arms resting on my ears
• even though they say 30 day contacts, my eyes get tired after a week of wearing them
• putting in contacts I touch my eyes and it doesn't always go well - if I have a towel fragment on my finger, wipe off the mirror to see and it gets dirt on my finger, drink out of my coffee mug and there is sugar on the handle BEFORE I put my contacts in
  

Coolest thing about the surgery, other than the fact that I will be able to see is I will be able to make implant jokes.

********

A day later, my right eye is perfect. I can see 20/20. My left eye has weird halos or reflective light depending on the light - dark, it's shadows; bright, it's spotlight type. But I can still see so incredibly well. My left eye is 20/15 - better than perfect!! And the light will fade as my eye recovers.

I woke up and rolled over to see the clock . . . on my microwave . . . in the kitchen. . . . over 15 feet away!! Miracles do come true.

It is crazy. When I came out of the surgery, still on anesthesia and saw my mother I started sobbing, "I can see you! and I can see that nurse over there - her face and her features so clearly!" Complete shock. I did get sick from the anesthesia well, mixed with the two things of apple juice I sucked down as fast as I could after the surgery, but I felt better the moment they were out of my stomach. Worth it!

The surgery was scary the entire time. I was awake. I remember it all. The lights and darkness. The shadows. The people talking, the music in the background. The pressure. It was all surreal. I imagine it was a bit like being abducted by aliens, but with a better outcome.

Wordless Wednesday - fortunes

Wordless Wednesday

Post It Note Tuesday - eye surgery

What will you say with a post-it note?

Click on the post-it above to watch the video

the morning argument

Saint and I have been having this little thing about his alarms. Yes, that is plural - alarms.

He goes to work every morning around 330am. Sometimes earlier and sometimes later.

When we sleep at my place, I don't know that I even wake up when he leaves. Though he is so sweet to wake me up to say goodbye. Really, this is the most romantic thing. Sadly, I do this weird air kisses because my brain won't quite wake up. But I know when I wake up later that he said bye. Love it.

When we sleep at his place, I am awake before his alarm goes off. If not, I wake up after the first - slightly. Probably just enough to really wake up after the second. By the fourth, I am full blown awake and really want to just kick his ass out of bed so he falls on the floor. And then I imagine I would beat him with his two phones which contain the hateful alarms. I hate it!!

His alarms go off for a half hour. So starting around 230am, his alarms go off til after 3am. Then I am awake while he gets ready. Then I get up and get dressed so I can drive home and fall back asleep. I am way too awake to go back to sleep after all this. I lose about two hours when I sleep at his place.

I was telling him last night how funny love is. In the beginning, I would/could sleep anywhere, in any position with him. Now, over a year later, I can't even sleep in his bed well. There are many reasons for this -

• he keeps his room door closed and the air is stagnant; it reeks of stale air
  
• the temperature in his place is warmer than mine, considerably (I am guessing they do this so girls will take off their clothes when they come over - lol)
  
• I don't have my body pillow at his place (a serious comfort thing for me)
  
• mentally I know that it is not my place and therefore I don't know that I completely ever fall into a fitful sleep
• I do not like sleeping at his place when I am alone; I sleep a bit better (or maybe have a better chance of sleeping) when his roommate is home because I feel more protected (not that anything will happen) once he leaves for work
  

The argument we have goes a bit like this -

• Six alarms went off this morning.
• No, I only have four alarms.
• I am telling you, I was awake for all six. I counted. I think you are hitting snooze.
• I don't hit snooze.
• Well then somehow you have more than four alarms.
• No, I really don't. I have four alarms set. Do you want me to show you?

And then it goes into the classes silence because I am not stupid and I watch him check his four alarms every night (OCD much? Oddly I find this attractive). Plus I know what he thinks, but the fact is he is not awake for the actual alarms going off. So his perception is way different. Not to mention, he is a scientist through and through. If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck ---- seriously NO ONE will be able to tell him different.

To be completely honest, this really doesn't bother me. The whole alarm thing.

I am not a morning person and when I wake up - scratch that - when I get woken up and I don't feel like I slept well I AM CRANKY. I wake up and lay there waiting for him to get up and get ready so I can get up and go home to resume my sleep. It sucks. It is a long time to lay there wishing I was sleeping. It kinda pisses me off. I don't know why. Could it be, the man hits those damn alarms for over 30 minutes without caring that I am WIDE AWAKE? Maybe it's the fact that he can hit the alarm and fall instantly back to sleep whereas I take time to fall asleep.
One morning, I texted him after I woke up (officially) while he was at work and asked him if he still loved me after I argued with him til he was blue in the face. I feel bad that I provoke him and bicker with him, but I swear I am on autopilot. At three am, I pretty much do not have any control over my emotions.

His response, "It's okay. I am used to you in the morning."

Crap, HE HAS TO GET USED TO ME? Ugh, that isn't good. Definitely not a compliment.

Yet, I still don't seem to be able to let it go. This morning I literally woke up and laid there waiting to execute my line of "six alarms." Like a murderer plotting.

I am hateful in the morning. And apparently have no remorse until after 8am.

big brother blog info

I am completely addicted to big brother 12. Completely.

It is what I do in my down time. Realizing this, I try to ween myself off of this. But I find myself wanting to know what is going on in the house. I am following the live feeds thanks to Saint's roomie, Montana who gave me his information.

If you are following, these are the other ways I watch big brother12 -

• Big Brother (blogspot)
• Big Brother (another blogspot)
• Jokers Updates (classic for all reality tv updates)

I am rooting for Britney and Lane. Really odd because it took weeks for me to really find someone I liked. Usually I know from episode 1. Not this season. I find this season to be totally different.

I am shocked at the amount of cussing and bad mouthing that goes on in the house. They do a crazy job editing this for tv.

At the same time, I am deeply annoyed with how much editing goes on. It is about four days past the actual "live" things that are occurring. So watching the live feed I know at least a day in advance what is happening. Then comparing that to what they show and how they put it together on the one hour episode is very interesting. They really do a good job portraying people in the light that the show wants them to be. I like that this season talks about this constantly - their on tv persona and how the producers encourage it all.

This feeds the nosy aspect of my personality. I would love to go through people's mail, look through their windows, etc. I don't obviously, I just love people watching. In college, I would find a table to study at and then pretty soon be so completely distracted trying to guess what others were majoring in with regards to their clothes, actions, etc. I should have majored in Sociology.

It is fascinating how short sighted they are. How one hour can completely erase what happened earlier. How a chaotic situation with screaming and emotions flying can distract from the plan of evicting someone when the person was thinking clearly. How they mimic each other and make fun of them. How after a few moments of time, they can accurately fit in to the conversation and become almost a group of one person. I find it deplorable how in one room they are all friends and in the next they massacre the others making fun and saying truly horrible things. I laugh at the way, when someone is on the block or close to a person possibly being evicted, they talk about how this is game play to keep them in the house when in reality they are just trying to save their own butts. The interactions, to me, are simply fascinating. As Montana said, "it's like watching rats in a maze."

I sit here and listen to all the different ways they are portrayed in the media. How Kathy is called a "cockblocker" and wonder how will she feel, how will her family feel, when she finds out they have been calling her this the entire time? What about Rachel and how she prances around in dresses so short they are misinterpreted as shirts? Ragan speaking about how he is "third best" at given some guy he has sex with head and that he was offended to only be third best, but after finding out how many people he has been with he is now complimented?? And yet, we all sit by and watch this kind of thing happen. Is this real life? Is this a messed up reality? It is like watching a train wreck. I cannot look away. I am so torn, I want to help them, but I also want to watch it all play out.

Check out this article here talking about when the media got a free pass to tour the BB12 house.

Are you watching? How do you feel about it all?

randomly crazy thinking kinda thoughts

It is inevitable that after a long, slow day at work with maybe a handful of people each hour that two minutes before I get to close someone will walk in who is "just looking" which is code for "I just want to walk around wasting time and touch everything so you have to go back and fix it all."

I do not like to do dishes. Could I just have someone come over and do them for me? I realize I live alone and only own one set of dishes. Actually it is not even a complete set as I have broken a bowl and a small plate. Damn, add that to the list of things to buy. I keep forgetting. Anywho, I really just don't like to do dishes. It is so repetitive. And if I was really smart, which apparently I am not, I would immediately wash out that one bowl or plate and set it on the side where it would dry. Then when I need a bowl or plate I would just use that one. Nope. Not happening. Back to beginning of paragraph - WANTED DISH WASHER.

It is NOT a good idea to use the stove after I have to work a closing shift. A) it is late at night b) my brain just doesn't function as well at night because engaging both my body and my mind at the same time = not happening. Example - putting a pot holder in one hand then lifting the boiling lid with the other = oops! Just do not cook late at night. period.

I am feeling funny lately. Anyone else have this? I honestly, just say sh*t. Whatever comes out. And then I laugh. I think maybe I have the giggles. Or something.

I would like to have a third arm/hand. It would make it easier to scratch that elusive place on my back and is ALWAYS itchy, but I can't reach. It would also make putting on my lidocane patches a skosh less painful. It would make carrying groceries up three flights of stairs cooler and quicker. I could then text and drive at the same time, since I have given that up. OH! I could blog while feeding my face!! And now I no longer want a third arm/hand because I feel fat.

Please someone drag my lifeless body from the evil-liptical machine

Since I started working at my current retail job, I have gained enough weight to move up two dress sizes. Which for me, it is a bit much. Shut up to all the people who say, "OMG you're not fat! I would kill to have your figure." Well, you know what? It is all relative. I may look skinny. I may wear a size 0/2, but the fact is I too can feel and look fat without much avail. So shut it! Let me be. Just because I am not a size 12 doesn't mean I am not overweight. It is about a person's figure and what weight is good for them.

I have always been the same size give or take 5 lbs. I have been lucky, swimming for a decade in jr. high, high school and college blessed me with a serious metabolism that has lasted me another decade. Sadly, it has finally caught up with me. Granted, the fact that I quit smoking this year (holy cow, yeah me!!) and haven't worked out in about four years may affect that a bit. But I try not to focus on any of that.

I told myself when I "felt" fat I would do something about it. Now is the time. I feel it.

Last week I gave in. The belly that has suddenly protruded over my pants is disgusting me. I can't take it anymore. The uncomfortable feeling I have in my pants - that they are just too tight - is horrible. I have actually upgraded a few pairs of work pants just so I can be somewhat comfortable. I like to call them fat pants. I could have even gone up another size just to be really comfortable, but I am hoping to lose enough weight to be able to wear both the skinny pants and fat pants one day soon.

In past years whenever I started working out, I would have instantaneous results. I would get up and be excited and relieved to be working out. I would feel good through the entire workout. I would be energized. I would feel healthy. It would all be goodness.

This past week to put it mildly fucking sucks. I hate working out. My body hates me working out. Every piece of me screams during the entire workout. It isn't like church anymore where though I want to go, I just have to get there and then I am good and enjoy it. No. Every moment before, during and after sucks to high hell. I hate it. My body hates it. There is no joy in working out. Other than the fact that I want this large piece of ugly fat off my belly.

I have reached a new stage. I am officially at that stage in life where things will not just melt away. And I am really pissed.

It has been over a week since I worked out and I am praying it will get easier. I am praying it will get more likable. No matter the music I listen to - which in my life always makes things better - I am still struggling through every workout. And hello, my body fucking hurts.

I may be overdoing it just a bit, but seriously not that much. I am pushing myself because otherwise I would weiney out and not do anything. I am not willing to waste a second of workout time. If I am going to do it, it will be worth it.

Usually I workout every other day. This time I decided to work out four days a week with a day off in the middle and I am sorry, but who works out on the weekends? I got over that the minute I stopped swimming professionally. Not gonna happen.

I do elliptical and stretching most days and I do yoga one day a week. Over the course of the next couple of weeks I will add weights (because it is the reason men lose weight faster than women, because after weights your body continues to workout vs just cardio) p90x abs ripper and other various p90x workouts. I don't do them as instructed, in order or with the book. I use p90x to feel a good workout. I don't worry about doing it the entire hour that is required. I do it until I have a good sweat and feel a good hard workout. Then I am done. I stretch to cool down.

Being an athlete I know my bodies limits and how hard I have to workout to get results. Or at least I used to. This may have changed too.

As far as food, I don't mess with it too much because when I crave something I won't let it go til I give in. The two things I have changed this time around is, I am eating grapefruit - half each day and I am adding Fiber One bars to my snacks. I like the chocolate better than the peanut butter, though I have not tried the other flavors. I am also eating as much fruit and vegetables I can muster. I have found that the more I eat healthy the less hungry I am. Though I do wake up each day with a hunger relative to that of a starving lion. I am trying to eat three meals a day and a snack in between. I allow myself a small dessert each night or a cookie during the day. I get low blood sugar if I don't have something sweet.

I also drink water like a camel all day long. I have a water bottle at work and in my car. My goal is to fill it up three times a day.

As far as portions go, I half what I normally would eat. I fix my plate as I normally would and then I take half and pour it into a plastic container. If it is on the plate, I know it is fair game. When I am at a restaurant I not only push my plate away, I move it out of reach to the end of the table. With sandwiches I eat the whole sandwich and skip the chips or allow myself a handful for the taste. If I am hungry later, I eat a snack - yogurt, watermelon, cheese stick, etc. I try to eat heavier earlier in day or lighter in the evening and I try not to stay up late because I snack then. Having a routine is a huge plus when working out.

I wish Saint would start working out again (but it is his choice and I try not to hold it over him) because it is highly beneficial to have a partner and I love to workout with men. Thankfully my mom is still working out. So we occasionally text each other on when and how we worked out. I feel less alone in it all and when things suck, it is very good to have a friend.

Have you ever done it, worked out with a guy? I highly recommend it. It pushes me to work harder and they are so helpful in weights. They can tell me the correct body form, push the weights. I know some women don't like to workout in front of men, but the fact is, it helps. I know I don't look great, but I try to remember how I feel when watching men workout. It is sexy to me. So I tell myself that they think that about seeing me. But mostly I do it because when I swam I was always swimming in the lane with the guys and I got used to their mentality - they get in, workout hard and get out. They don't mess around and they don't worry about what other people think of them. They keep it simple. I think this is a good mentality for working out.

For week one, I am a bit disappointed that it hurt so much so consistently, but I am focusing so much on the fact that I actually got up and started it. Sometimes that is all I need to help what I know will be a big difficult task ---- simply, to begin.